I often speak to people in a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage is one which sex happens once a month or less. Both men and women tell me they can’t leave the relationship, and ‘stay because of the kids’. What kind of example does this set for the children? I believe it perpetuates mediocre relationships from generation to generation. If your children don’t see intimacy in your home, they subconsciously store the memory, that it is acceptable to have a non-intimate marriage or relationship. Children tend to model their parents, in their own adult relationships. I have heard many Baby Boomers say, ‘I don’t think my parents ever had sex’ or ‘My mom probably never had an orgasm’. Is that how you want your kids to view your relationship?
I am not saying have sex in front of your children. I am saying show intimacy, hold hands, kiss, shut the door and make time for each other. Kids pick up on a lot. They probably know your relationship is suffering before you are willing to admit it. I would bet body language shows the tension between the two of you. Plus, you most likely fight and argue over stupid little things that really wouldn’t even be an issue if your sex lives were flourishing. That isn’t what you want to portray to your children.
When your children know the marriage is unhappy, and you stay together because of them, it can also lead to guilt on their side. They may think, ‘my parents are really unhappy and if I weren’t here, they could get a divorce’. That can be a lot of pressure.
I am a child of divorce. I was 6 when my parents separated. I am glad they did. It wasn’t easy, and it was very ugly at times, but I got to see my mom flourish afterwards and find someone who really loved her. I was able to see my mother as a sexual being and she didn’t hide that. I am fortunate. Because of that, it has formed who I am today.
If your marriage is lacking sex and you are not sure what to do, schedule a Free Session with Expert Sex Coach, Tiffany Yelverton.