Attention Cancer Survivors! If you are struggling with feeling sexy after treatment, Click here to join our case study program.

The Desire Trifecta, Part 1: Mental


Desire… we expect it to just be there and then one day, it isn’t. It can be coaxed out again, and it is helpful to know how to get there. 

When I work with my clients, they are often surprised to learn that waning desire typically isn’t the result of one single thing. Instead it is a trifecta of mental/emotional, physical, and biological. 

For women, arousal begins in the brain. With men, arousal begins with blood flow to the genitals. Blood flow to the genitals is also important for those identifying as female, but it is important to realize that mental stimulation and emotional connection plays a large part in desire and arousal. For women, keeping yourself engaged mentally in your sexuality is key.

When you are tuned-in to your erotic thoughts, sensuality and sexuality become a seamless part of life. Instead of stop and go, desire becomes who you are, instead of something you have think about. There is an underlying arousal from encounter to encounter. 

Woman, have what is referred to as a circular brain, which focuses on many things at once. This can derail pleasure as it is easy to be focusing on the to-do list instead of what your body is experiencing during an intimate encounter, whether alone or with a partner. That is one reason hotel sex is so great— all the daily tasks aren’t present in the hotel.

Practicing meditation, mindfulness helps to center yourself. Reading erotica, exploring fantasies in your mind, and recalling favorite sexual experiences stimulate the regions of the brain to activate arousal. Think of it as mental foreplay.